^'' THE ELOQUENT 



DEMPSY 



AN IRISH COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



BY 



WILLIAM BOYLE 



CHICAGO: 

GEO. HORNSTEIN CO. 

1907 



THE ELOQUENT 
DEMPSY 

AN IRISH COMEDY IN THREE ACTS 



BY 

WILLIAM BOYLE 



CHICAGO: 

GEO. HORNSTEIN CO, 

1907 



PF?GOo3 

^aoJ 



Printed by Geo. Hornstein Co. 
Chicago 



i 



f 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 



TtlFRARYof COn'grFss j 
I Two CoDies Received 
* MAY 17 I90r 
Copyneht Entry 

cih^sfo ac, No. 

COPY B. 



Copyright, 1907 
By JOHN P. BOYLE 



CHARACTERS 

Jeremiah Dempsy, Publican and Grocer, County 

Councillor for Cloghermore 
Mrs. Catherine Dempsy, his wife 
Mary Kate, his daughter 
Dr. Bunbury, J. P. 
Captain McNamara, J.P. 
Mike Flanigan, a working man 
Brian O'Neill, in love zvith Mary Kate 

A crowd of people off the stage 



For right and terms of production on the stage in the 
United States of America, application must be made 
to John P. Boyle, 301 Northzvestern Bldg., Lake and 
5th Ave., Chicago, III, U. S. A., or William Boyle, 
go Biishey Hill Road, Camherwell S. E., London, 
England. 



THE 

ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

ACT I 

Scene: Dempsy's Drazmng-room, above his 
shop. Doors C. and L. Window L. An 
easy chair, some other chairs, a stool and 
a sofa. A side-table. A cabinet. A green 
dressing-gown with orange lining hangs 
across the back of the easy chair. Time- 
Morning. 

[Mrs. Dempsy is discovered looking 
out of the zvindozv. She hurries to 
door L. and speaks oif zmth one 
hand resting on jamb. 

Mrs. Dempsy {loudly). Tell Mr. Dempsy 
he must hurry up at once. The doctor's in 
the street. (She looks out of the window and 
returns to the door.) Make haste, or we'll be 
done for . . . {in a lower voice) . . . God 
I 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

forgive you, Jerry ! It's the nice man you are 
— ^^sloping off like that when it's down on the 
broad of your back, dead sick, you ought 
lobe. 

[Dempsy comes in. He is in his shirt- 
sleeves. 

Here! Into your sick-clothes at once, and get 
ready for the doctor. (She picks up the dress- 
ing-gown.) 

Dempsy. Hadn't I to go down to the cellar 
and tap a cask o' porter for the shop? It's not 
the boy behind the counter you'd have doing 
it, Catherine. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Jerry, you're the heart's 
scald! Having me give out that you're at 
death's door, and you as hearty, glory be to 
God ! as you were the day I married you. 

[She holds the dressing-gown while 
he puts it on. 

Dempsy. A body who didn't know you, 
Catherine, 'id think it's sorry you were I'm not 
laid up on your hands. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And wouldn't that be better 
than me telling one side you're too ill to wel- 
come the Chief Secretary and the other you're 
too far gone to denounce his visit altogther? 
2 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Well, thank God ! the decent man 
went past the station without stopping: my 
illness helped me to keep faith with both sides. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, Jerry, Jerry! you don't 
call fooling people keeping faith with any one! 

Dempsy. Sure, I'm not fooling them at all. 
I'm only striving to keep down ructions till my 
election's over. 

Mrs. Dempsy. But you know you can't be 
on the two sides at the same time ? 

Dempsy. Wait till you see, Catherine. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Throth, I know well what I'll 
see. You'll be pitched out by them all, and 
have our business ruined and the whole town 
turned against us. 

Dempsy. Ah! them times are over, Cathe- 
rine. Everybody's loyal to the cause of law 
and order now. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, indeed! 

Dempsy. Yes, and if they weren't itself, a 
man must twist a bit to please both sides. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I know how your twist- 
ing will end. You'll twist the wrong way and 
fall to pieces like a woollen thread. 

Dempsy. Never fear, Catherine. I know 
the ropes too well for that. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Poor old Doctor Bunbury, 

3 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

I wonder does he see the way you're twist- 
ing him — you rogue ? 

Dempsy. Bunbury's not wise enough to see 
the length of his own shadow. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Is that the reason you like 
him better than the other doctor ? 

Dempsy. You know well enough I don't 
bring him here to cure me. 

Mrs. Dempsy. What on earth do you want 
with him, then I 

Dempsey. Because he takes an interest in 
my case in other ways. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Do you think it's for your 
good, Jerry! 

Dempsy. I'll make it for my good. Wait 
till you see me on the bench dispensing justice 
to the town of Cloghermore. Then you'll be 
proud to think you own me, Catherine. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'd be prouder far to see 
you giving up such notions altogether. 
(Knocking at a distance.) There he is! and 
a nice way we're both humbugging him. The 
Lord forgive the pair of us ! 

Dempsy (sitting in the easy chair and ar- 
ranging his feet on a stool.) Do I look pale, 
Catherine ? 

Mrs. Dempsy (smiling.) Pale as a prim- 

4 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

rose on a May morning. You're a lucky man 
it's not the other doctor's in it. 

Dempsy. He'd have me out of this in spite 
of myself, and where would I be then? 

Mrs. Dempsy. In the very same pickle 
Doctor Bunbury's just mixing for you, fool 
and all as he is. 

[Dr. Bunbury comes in. He puts 
his hat on the table and struts as he 
pulls oif his gloves. 

Dr. Bunbury. Well, and how are we to- 
day ? How are we to-day ? 

Dempsy. A little on the mend. Doctor, I 
hope. 

Dr. Bunbury. Ah, Mrs. Dempsy, here's 
a change for the better! Out of bed, and 
out of danger at the same time. {He sits 
down beside Dempsy and feels his pulse.) 
Very good ! Very good indeed ! We've pulled 
him round, Mrs. Dempsy. Nobody can deny 
we've pulled him round. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, we hauled him round 
beautifully. Doctor. 

Dr. Bunbury. You may well say that. 
No one would think, looking at him now, he 
was so near to giving us the slip three days 
ago. 

S 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. Doctor, to tell you the truth, 
I don't think he had the least notion of it. 

Dr. Bunbury (holding up his Unger). The 
very surest sign how far gone he was. His 
pulse was most erratic. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Nothing worse than that, 
Doctor? 

Dr. Bunbury. Few things can be worse, 
Mrs. Dempsy, in a man of your husband's even 
disposition. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Do you tell me so? 

Dr. Bunbury. It is as eloquent to me as 
Mr. Dempsy 's tongue. 

Dempsy. No one knows better than your- 
self, Doctor, how very bad I was. 

Dr. Bunbury. Certainly not. 

Dempsy. How low and heart-broken, too, 
when I couldn't stir a hand or foot tO' welcome 
our good Chief Secretary, and he passing our 
very door, as a body may say. 

Dr. Bunbury. You know that, as a medical 
practitioner, I avoid all politics like poison. 
But, in this particular instance, I cannot help 
showing my regret that the addresss fell 
through for want of your support. 

Dempsy. It was a great misfortune, Doctor. 
A terrible misfortune ! 
6 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dr. Bunbury. A misfortune not only to 
the town, but to you, Mr. Dempsy, in partic- 
ular. 

Dempsy. How's that, Doctor? 

Dr. Bunbury. Because, outsider though I 
am, I have reason to believe the Chief Secre- 
tary was very anxious on the point. Indeed, 
it was only when he heard the eloquent Dempsy 
was unable to attend, he ordered that his train 
was not to stop at Cloghermore at all. 

Dempsy. It was a heartfelt sorrow to me, 
Doctor, to be disabled as I was. But (in a 
pathetic tone) I always had misfortune that 
way. When the Lord-Lieutenant came a few 
years ago, I was on my back as bad as now. 

Dr. Bunbury. Well, Mr. Dempsy, you 
have missed a splendid opportunity. What the 
intentions of the government may be is not for 
me to say. But I'm not blind to signs, I'm not 
deaf tO' hints, about the honours- that are now 
in store for men of moderation. You know 
what I mean ? 

Dempsy. I do indeed. Doctor, — to my sor- 
row. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Doctor, it's a shame to be 
deceiving you. My husband never once in- 
tended taking act or part — 

7 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

(Dempsy interrupts her by cough- 
ing.) 
act or part — (Dempsy coughs) — act or 
part— — 

Dempsy. Och! Och! Oh! ! 

Dr. Bunbury. I'm sorry to see the cough 
troubles you still. 

Dempsy. Oh, the cough's nothing to my 
other troubles, Doctor — nothing to what it was 
three days agxD, I mean. My wife's saying, 
Doctor, that I never had the least intention of 
taking act or part in the opposition movement. 

Dr. Bunbury. You mean the agitation got 
up by misguided people to denounce the wel- 
come to the Right Honorourable gentleman ? 

Dempsy. That's exactly it. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, Jerry, I'm saying 

Dempsy {waving his hand). Yes, Cathe- 
rine, that's what you're saying. Dr. Bunbury 
knows you're saying it, only you're interrupted 
by my ill-mannered cough. Mrs. Dempsy, like 
ourselves, doctor, is the friend of law and order 
above everything. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Where the law helps busi- 
ness people to collect their debts I never was 
against it, but where it turns out poor tenants 

on the road 

8 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Oh, the law never does that, 
Catherine. It's the people's own obstinacy, 
misled by the advice of strangers. 

Dr. Bunbury. One of the evils ol our un- 
fortunate country, Mrs. Dempsy, is that people 
are continually saddling the wrong horse. 

Dempsy. They blame the landlords for 
everything. 

Dr. Bunbury. If an old physician, utterly 
detached from every party, may be permitted 
to say so, the landlords are the backbone of 
the country. 

Dempsy. They are, they are. 
Dr. Bunbury. Above all, they're the back- 
bone of the trading community. Where would 
our business people be without them? 
Dempsy. In the workhouse. 
Dr. Bunbury. Where would our labourers 
and artisans and farmers be without them! 

Dempsy. God only knows! On the high 
road to America, God help them! 

Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, you have 
spoken with becoming moderation on a grave 
subject, and although you have missed the op- 
portunity so lately offered you, my friend, 
Lord Irton, may do something for you still. 
9 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. What do you think his Lordship 
might be thinking of ? 

Dr. Bunbury. He recommends gentlemen 
suitable for holding the Commission of the 
Peace. 

Dempsy. I'm afraid my business cuts me 
off from that distinction. I'm afraid it does. 

Dr. Bunbury. Objection on the score of 
your business can be easily got over. 

Dempsy. I could, of course, transfer the 
license under mortgage without losing any- 
thing. 

Dr. Bunbury. You can evade the rule in 
many ways. In many horourable ways I 
mean. A word, Mr. Dempsy, is enough to the 
wise. 

[He rises and takes up his hat. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'm afraid. Doctor, Jerry 
isn't fit for anything so high as that. 

Dr. Bunbury. Mrs. Dempsy, as a rule, I 
avoid such topics altogether. But the sound- 
ness — I will even say the scientific soundness 
— of your husband's principles, marks him out 
for such distinction. I only wish the Chief 
Secretary had not missed the opportunity of 
hearing Mr. Dempsy's eloquent expression of 
his own views upon the railway platform. 

lO 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy (also rising). Do you think 
there's any chance at all of him giving us a 
look in on his way back"? 

D'R. BuNBURY. I fear it's quite impossible. 
Dempsy (with relief). That's a terrible 
pity, Doctor ! I was hoping he might perhaps 
give us a five minutes' stop at Cloghermore to 
learn some of our grievances. (Bunbury 
shakes his head.) We are very bady used, 
Doctor. We have fewer magistrates and fewer 
policemen than any other town of similar im- 
portance in the whole of Ireland. 

Mrs. Dempsy. An increase of both would 
help the public-houses. 

Dempsy. They would help each other mu- 
tually. Though I admit there are too many 
licenses here already, and fellows applying 
every Sessions for new ones, as if the old es- 
tablishments couldn't supply all possible er- 
quirements. 

[During the delivery of the last two 

speeches Dr. Bunbury has been 

cogitating, nibbing his chin and 

looking at his Unger nails. 

Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, that's a happy 

thought of yours about the Chief Secretary 

stopping on 'his way back. I must broach it 

II 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

to my friend, Captain McNamara, and see what 
can be done. 

Dempsy (alarmed). But you said, Doctor, 
it was quite impossible. 

Dr. Bunbury. Nothing is impossible to 
those who are in earnest, Mr. Dempsy. 

Dempsy. The thought upsets me terribly. 
Do you think I'm strong enough to bear an- 
other disappointmient. Doctor? 

Dr. Bunbury. (clapping Dempsy on the 
shoulder). Never despair, my friend. The 
chance is slight, no doubt, but in my profes- 
sion we only give up hope when the very last 
moment has gone by. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It's just the same in ours. 
Doctor. I've seen the bar at nine o'clock as 
empty as a funnel, and the place fill up beauti- 
ful before closing time. 

Dr. Bunbury. Keep up heart. Your Com- 
mission of the Peace is growing somewhere in 
the dark. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Like a mushroom. Doctor. 

Dr. Bunbury. No. Like a patriotic sham- 
rock out of kindly Irish earth, and your hus- 
band will pluck and wear it in his cap to show 
the world he can be a true patriot and a man of 
moderation at the same time. (Going.) 

12 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. How can I ever thank yoii, Doc- 
tor, for your friendly interest and — medicine I 

Dr. Bunbury. By adhering to your prin- 
ciples and strictly following the advice upon 
the bottle. 

[Waves his hat in adieu, and goes out 
L. D. Mrs. Dempsy goes with 
him to door. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Well, Jerry, what side are 
you on now 1 

Dempsy. The right side, to be sure, my 
dear. 

Mrs. Dempsy. There can't be two of them 
in the same quarrel. Can there? 

Dempsy. God help your wits, woman. 
When a man's in public life there's as many 
sides as there's people to discuss them with. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Double-dealing, Jerry. 
Double-dealing never thrives. 

Dempsy. There's no more double-dealing 
in this than in selling one man porter and an- 
other ginger-beer. You don't argue down- 
stairs with your customers about their tastes 
in liquor. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'm not talking about cus- 
tomers, but about yourself, Jerry. 

Dempsy. Well, what about me? 

13 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. You're like Lanna Macree's 
dog — a piece of the road with everybody. One 
minute you're all for Cloghermore and the 
sky over it, and the next you're all for modera- 
tion and the Government. It's the same way 
with you in everything. You're a publican by 
trade and a member of the Anti-Treating 
League for recreation. You denounce Emigra- 
tion on the platform, and behind the counter 
you sell tickets for the shipping companies. 
You'll go anywhere and subscribe to anything 
if they'll only let you mjake a speech about it. 
(Dempsy protests by a gesture.) Jerry, you're 
a rag on every bush, fluttering to every wind 
that blows; and {tenderly) if you weren't the 
best husband and the best father that ever 
broke the bread of life, I'd say you were the 
biggest rascal in the whole of Ireland. 

Dempsy. Sure, every one's a rascal in the 
eyes of somebody. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And if you don't mind, 
you'll be a rascal in the eyes of everybody. 
''Never mix your drinks," my father used to 
say, and never mix your principles is my ad- 
vice to you, Jerry. 

Dempsy. Faith, Catherine, the best of drink 
is often made by blending. 

14 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I see ! 

Dempsy. Yes; and the curse of this un- 
fortunate country is that people can't be got 
to blend their views at all. We all want to 
run our own spirit into other people raw. 

[Mary Kate comes in. 

Mrs. Dempsy. What's the matter, daugh- 
ter? 

Mary Kate. Oh, grand news, Ma! The 
Town Commissioners are after voting father 
an address. 

Mrs. Dempsy. What for, in the name of 
goodness 1 

Mary Kate (proudly). For the patriotic 
stand he made against welcoming the Chief 
Secretary ; and Brian O'Neill and Mike Flani- 
gan are cording up to read it to him. 

Dempsy. Catherine, do you think I'm in a 
fit condition to receive this tribute from my 
fellow-townsmen ? 

Mrs. Dempsy (looking quizzically af him). 
No, Jerry. I'm afraid the blend's a little bit 
too violent. 

Mary Kate. Don't be making game of Pa. 
(She arranges his hair and dressing-gown.) 
There ! He's nice enough now to meet any one. 
Isn't he, dear? 

15 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. Even the Chief Secretary 
to the Lord-Lieutenant of Ireland. {She goes 
to the zvindozv and looks ouL) Here they are! 

Dempsy {starting.) Who, Catherine, who? 
[Mary Kate also goes to the win- 
dow and looks out. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Mike Flanigan, the people's 
champion, with the whole town after him. 

Dempsy. Oh, you gave me quite a start ! I 
thought it was^ — the other people; God for- 
give me ! 

Mary Kate {at window). There's Brian 
O'Neill and Big Brannigan the blacksmith, 
and Lame Murphy the shoemaker, and Andy 
Cassidy the teetotaller, and Judy Heffernan 
the applewoman, and Tim Hanlan of the 
League, and everybody. {They come from 
zmndow.) Oh, it's a great day, father, and 
proud your daughter is to stand beside you at 
this precious moment. 

Mrs. Dempsy {to Mary Kate). It's down- 
stairs wiping glasses you should be. There's 
sure to be a rush in the bar after Mike Flanigan 
has done his blathering. Run away now, 
honey. 

Dempsy. Can't you let the child stay here 
and see the fun? 

i6 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mary Kate. Yes, Ma, darling. Let me 
stay and listen. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It's too soft I'm with the 
whole of you. {Shouts and cheers heard out- 
side. Knocking at door.) There they are! 
I'll let them' up, I suppose'? 

Dempsy. Cloghermore must never knock at 

Jeremiah Dempsy's door in vain. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'd rather hear them knock- 
ing at the counter. 

[She goes out L. Mary Kate comes 

close to Dempsy. 

Dempsy. Your mother's a little out of 

humour with us. She thinks we ought to 

trouble about nothing in the whole world but 

the shop, and money-making. 

[Flannigan and O'Neill come m. 
Flannigan carries a paper. Voices 
heard withoiit. 
1ST Voice. Eloquent Dempsy for ever! 
2ND Voice. He sent the Chief Secretary 
off about his business. 

1ST Voice. He sells the best whisky at the 

lowest prices. 

2ND Voice. And backs up the teetotallers 

for sake of custom. 

17 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

3RD Voice (female). Ah, the playboy! 

[Cheers oif. 

Dempsy {rising). A mixed lot outside, 
gentlemen, to judge by your behaviour. 

[Mrs. Dempsy comes in. 

Flanigan. Oh, they're all right, sir, only 
there's a few corner-boys among them. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Mr. Dempsy doesn't mind 
that — he likes a blend of all sorts. 

Flanigan. Blend or not, ma'am, the peo- 
ple know their true friends and will stick to 
them at any cost. {He advances a few steps , 
clear his throat and speaks solemnly.) We wait 
upon you, Mr. Dempsy, deputed by our fellow- 
townsmen, to present an address of congratula- 
tion to you, on the occasion of your provi- 
dential recovery from severe illness. 

Dempsy {with emotion). Even in the val- 
ley of the shadow, gentlemen, the interests of 
Cloghermore were ever present to my mind, 
and its people in my heart. 

Flanigan. We know it, Mr. Dempsy, or 
we'd not be here. 

Dempsy. This tribute almost strikes m)e 
dumb. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It must be overpowering 
when it does that. 

i8 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

O'Neill. It's not a hap'orth more than you 
deserve, Mr. Dempsy. 

Flanigan. But more than the Chief Sec- 
retary could get with all his big policemen. 

[Dempsy bozm. Mrs. Dempsy sits 
dozmi. The rest remmn standing. 
{Reading.) 'To Jeremiah Dempsy, Esquire, 
County Councillor and Poor Law Guardian. 
Dear Sir, We, the undersigned Commissioners, 
Ratepayers, and Inhabitants of the town of 
Cloghermore, beg to offer you our sincere and 
hearty congratulations on this the auspicious 
occasion of your recovery from a severe and 
painful illness. We welcome you to health 
once more, and trust we may be long spared 
your eloquent advocacy of our Cause, as well 
as that unflinching and devoted zeal with which 
you have ever discharged the duties of your 
exalted station." {Speaking in a lower tone.) 
Here, Mr. Dempsy, follow the names of our 
leading townsmien, which you will no doubt 
peruse at your leisure. 

{He hands Dempsy the paper, and 
both bow profoundly. 

Dempsy {in an oratorical manner). Gentle- 
men, on behalf of myself, my wife and child — 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I'm not in it at all. 

19 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Flanigan. Yes, Mrs. Dempsy. You are 
one of the inhabitants. 

Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, from the 
bottom of my heart 

Flanigan. Give it out the window, Mr. 
Dempsy, The people won't be pleased unless 
they hear you. {He goes over and opens the 
ivindow. Shouts outside.) 

A Voice. Jerry's coming ! 

Another Voice. No, it's Mike! 

Mrs. Dempsey. It's yourself, Mike, that 
ought to talk to them. Tell them he's not well. 

Dempsy. If Death in all his grisly horrors 
stood before me, I should bid him stand aside 
while I address my people. 

[He goes to the zvindow and bows. 
Cheers and booing outside. 
Dempsy boivs several times. 

Dempsy (speaking loudly at the zvindow). 
Ladies and gentlemen 

A Voice. Jerry Dem|psy is the man! 

Another. He roots the people in the soil! 

Another. Ay, roots them out for emigra- 
tion! (Cheers and laughter outside.) 

Dempsy (to those on the stage). The spirit 
of the people bubbles over in a way that does 
one good to witness. 

20 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

Flanigan. I must go down and regulate 
the cheering. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Do, for God's sake, and 
send them home if you can. 

[Flanigan goes out L. 

Dempsy {speaking oraforicaUy through the 
window). Ladies and gentlemen of the town 
of Cloghermore 

A Voice. Divil a one o' them's here ! 

Another. Spake for yourself, Ned! 

Dempsy. Men and women, friends and 
neighbours, from the depths of my unfathomed 
soul 

Mrs. Dempsy. Hear, hear! 

Dempsy. From the weary pillow of a bed 
of sickness I feebly totter to my feet to thank 
you. 

A Voice. The poor man looks the corpse 
of himself ! 

Another. Sorra hap'orth's wrong with 
him at all ! 

Dempsy. I thank my friend in the crowd 
for his enlivening remark. I am well — quite 
well. The medicine of your approval cures 
mie. The sound of your cheers, the vision of 
your honest faces, the might, the strength, the 
magnitude of this colossal meeting pours ne*w 

21 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

life into my wasted frame. An hour ago I 
lay heart-shaken with despair 

Mrs. Dempsy (aside). May the Lord for- 
give you ! 

Dempsy. He^rt-shaken lest my absence 
from your councils, in the recent crisis in our 
town, might be misunderstood. But the flat- 
tering address which I have just listened to, 
and even more than that, the generosity of this 
magnificent reception convinces me that wher- 
ever else suspicion may exist, such unworthy 
sentiments are strangers tO' the warm hearts of 
Cloghermore. ( Cheers. ) 

A Voice. Isn't he me darlin' ! 

Another. Ay, wantin' to be made a Mag- 
istrate ! 

Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, if the dis- 
tinction which my friend suggests is ever of- 
fered me, it will not be at my solicitation 

A Voice. Sure, we know that ! 

Dempsy. But should any such proposal 
come my way, do you know what I will do! 

A Voice. Jump at it ! 

Mrs. Dempsy. Tell them at once and 
don't be keeping them there all day. 

Dempsy. My friends, I am not a man dis- 

22 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

posed to jump at anything. I will sit down 
and ask myself a question. 

A Voice. You'll have the answer ready, 
Jerry. 

Dempsy. In the secret chamber of my 
heart, I will say unto myself, ^'J^^^'^i^^'^ 
Dempsy, will it benefit the town of Clogher- 
more if you are made a Magistrate?" And 
if Jeremiah Dempsy's conscience answers 
back ''It will," and if silence whispers me, 
'The poor will have a safe protector on the 
bench," then will I consider how I may with 
safety accept the honour. But if I think it 
is the voice of vanity that speaks in Jeremiah 
Dempsy's ear, then will Jeremiah Dempsy's 
angry soul reply — "Put your J.P.-ship on the 
shelf. Hang it up behind the door! Away 
with it ! The sight of it disgusts me!" 

A Voice. You'll take the pledge agin it ! 

Another. Sure, he took that from the 
Anti-Treating League ! 

Another. Ay, and the Anti-Emigration 
Society ! 

Dempsy. Gentlemen, I am always open on 
this drinking question. 

A Voice. Bedad, you are! (Cheers.) 

Dempsy. Promiscuous treating is the ruin 

23 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

of Ireland. But if a friend meets a friend, 
and they have quite made up their minds to 
take a glass or two together, what I would 
advise them in a town like this is, to avoid 
low houses and walk into a respectable estab- 
lishment where the article supplied can be im- 
plicitly relied upon. With regard to emigra- 
tion, I am just as open-handed. 

A Voice. You're all that ! 

Dempsy. I frown upon it, I deplore it. 
I abominate it root and branch and stem. 
Nevertheless, if any one among you has de- 
termined he must conquer fame and fortune in 
the lands beyond the sea, why should I decline 
to supply him with the cheapest ticket on the 
fastest line afloat, where food and accommoda- 
tion are of the very highest quality! 

A Voice. You couldn't have the heart to 
do it, Mr. Dempsy ! 

Dempsy. No. I could not allow my coun- 
trymen and countrywomen to fall into the 
hands of heartless shipping agents, maybe to 
be robbed and starved and shipwrecked by the 
miserable sharks who thrive on the depopula- 
tion of their native country. (Cheers,) And 
now, ladies and gentlemen, I have done. I 
have not words enough to thank you for the 
24 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

honour of again selecting me to be your 
standard-bearer in this glorious battle; and 
when the votes are counted (should a coutest 
be unwisely forced upon us), I know you will 
return me once more triumphantly at the head 
of the poll. 

[Groans, shouts, cheers. Dempsy 
copies forward from the zvindow, 
zvhich O'Neill closes. 

Mary Kate. Oh Pa! You ought to be in 
Parliament. You're lost in Cloghermore. 

O'Neill. I offer my congratulations, Mr. 
Dempsy. Your eloquent address will make 
your re-election certain. I must go at once 
and see about your nomination papers. 

Dempsy. Thank you, Brian, thank you. 
Not that public life has any charm for me, but 
when Cloghermore demands my services I can- 
not find it in my conscience to refuse my cus- 
tomers. 

[O'Neill goes out, Mary Kate fol- 
lozving him. 

Mrs Dempsy. Oh Jerry, you will be the 
death of me! Where do you pick up your sup- 
plies of moonshine? 

Dempsy. Nonsense, woman! It's the very 

25 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

overflowing of my ardent spirit. You shouldn't 
call it moonshine while it brings in custom. 

Mrs Dempsy. Maybe while you're at it you 
believe in it yourself. But when you sit down 
after, Jerry, is your spirit overflowing still? 

Dempsy. Catherine, you don't know what 
you're talking about. You haven't studied pol- 
icy as I have in discharging public business. 

Mrs. Dempsy. No, Jerry, but I've studied 
you in public and in private, and I tell you, 
you'll be found out. People are not the fools 
you take them for. You heard what some one 
said about the visit of the Chief Secretary? 

Dempsy. Never fear! The Chief Secre- 
tary's gone, and I may say whatever I like 
about him now. My return will be carried on a 
wave of popularity, and when it's all over, 
I'll be taking my seat among the mighty on the 
bench of Justice. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Provided nothing goes 
wrong in the meantime. 

Dempsy. What can go wrong, Catherine! 
[Mary Kate comes in zmth a letter. 

Mary Kate. Dr. Bunbury's boy brought 
this letter. Pa. 

[Dempsy takes letter and opens it. 
26 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. I can't see without my glasses, 
Read it to me, dearie. 

Mary Kate (reading). "Information has 
just reached me that the Chief Secretary will 
stop at Cloghermore to receive the address we 
spoke about. This will be agreeable news to 
you." 

[Dempsy drops into a chair in disfnay: 
Dempsy {fearfully). Oh Catherine! — this 
agreeable news has given me a stroke! I'm 
sure I'm getting very ill again. 

[He leans back in his chair. Mrs. 
Dempsy leans over him. 

Curtain. 



27 



ACT II 

Scene : The same. Evening of the same day. 
Lamp lighted. Curtains of window drazvn. 

[Mrs. Dempsy discovered seated 
knitting. Mary Kate and 
O'Neill come in. 

Mrs. Dempsy (rising). I asked you to 
come round, Brian, to give me your advice. 

O'Neill. Thank you, ma'am. It's an 
honour to me. 

Mrs. Dempsy (to Mary Kate). Your 
father's asleep, Mary Kate! 

Mary Kate. He's just taking a nap. Ma. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It'll do him no harm. Tell 
us if he wakes. 

[Mary Kate goes out. Mrs. 
Dempsy and O'Neill sit. 

The advice I want, Brian, is, first of all, 
about yourself. 

O'Neill. My advice about myself, Mrs. 
Dempsy ? 

28 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

Mrs. Dempsy. Yes, yourself and Mary 
Kate. Tell me, like an honest boy, what you 
think about her. 

O'Neill {confused). I hope to marry her 
some day, if you have no objection, Mrs. 
Dempsy. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Some day is a far day, 
Brian. 

O'Neill. I'm sorry you think that. I'd 
marry her to-morrow if I had the mieans to 
doit. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And how do you expect to 
get the means some day ? 

O'Neill. An uncle of mine promised to 
help me. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Rich uncles are a blue look- 
out, Brian. Have you nothing better in your 
mind than that? 

O'Neill. She promised to wait. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I don't doubt that, Brian; 
but ril not promise you she'll wait. Mr. 
Dempsy's constitution won't allow it, I'm sorry 
to say. 

O'Neill. Mr. Dempsy's constitution, 
ma'am ? 

Mrs. Dempsy. Yes. He's destroying his 
health and spending money treating people all 
29 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

day long, and unless I get him out of Clogher- 
more he'll ruin himself and us. Are you will- 
ing to assist me ? 

O'Neill. I'm sorry for your trouble, Mrs. 
Dempsy, but I doii't see how I can be of any 
use to you in this. 

Mrs. Dempsy. You can help me, Brian, 
by opposing his election and getting him put 
out. I wouldn't ask you if I hadn't reason 
for it. 

O'Neill. Oh, Mrs. Dempsy, why should 
I do that? He's one of our best men. 

Mrs. Dempsy. For his daughter's sake you 
ought to do it, Brian. 

O'Neill. I'm afraid, Mrs. Dempsy, I can't 
bring myself tO' promise that. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It doesn't look as if you 
cared much for her, then. 

O'Neill. She knows herself how much I 
care for her. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And, I suppose, you think 
it's no other person's business! 

O'Neill. I didn't say that, ma'ami. 

Mrs. Dempsy. No, but you looked it, 
Brian. It's no matter. Now, if you won't 
help me for Mary Kate's sake, will you help 
me for your own 1 

30 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

O'Neill. I don't know what you mean, 
ma'am. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'll tell you. Supposing we 
go out to our farm in the country, and leave 
the business here to you and her — wouldn't it 
be better for you than waiting, God knows how 
long, for your uncle's shoes ? 

O'Neill. It's folly to talk, Mrs. Dempsy. 
I couldn't go against a man that served the 
people as well as he has done. Indeed, I 
couldn't ! 

Mrs. Dempsy. Not to win a home for your- 
self and Mary Katel 

O'Neill (rising). No, Mrs. Dempsy, no. 
I'd like to help you, and I'd like to marry 
Mary Kate; but I'mi not going to turn traitor 
to the Cause if I'm never rich enough to put 
a ring on her finger. 

Mrs. Dempsy (briskly, also rising, and 
patting his shoulder). Good boy, Brian! 
You're the very sort I hoped you'd prove to be. 
Sit down. I have more to tell you. (They 
sit.) Mr. Dempsy's not exactly what you take 
him for. 

O'Neill. No? 

Mrs. Dempsy. No. (Sighs.) Dr. Bun- 
bury has got the soft side of him by promising 

31 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

to get him made a Magistrate, and he's going 
to sign the address to the Chief Secretary, after 
all. 

O'Neill. But the Chief Secretary's gone 
by, and the address is all thrown over. 

Mrs. Dempsy. No, it's not. He's going to 
stop at the station on his way back, and they're 
working at the game as hard as ever. 

O'Neill. But, surely, Mr. Dempsy's on our 
side! 

Mrs. Dempsy. Is he? (Hands letter.) 
Throw your eye over that. He got it from 
Bunbury after you and Flanigan went off to- 
day. 

O'Neill (looking at letter). This is bad 
news. I'll go and see Mike Flanigan at once 
about it. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Do. (They rise.) You 
won't object to work against my husband now ? 

O'Neill. I'll work against treachery as 
long as I've a leg to stand on. Though sorry 
I am it's Mr. Dempsy's in it. 

Mrs. Dempsy. You're an honest lad! I 
thought you would. 

[Mary Kate comes in softly L. D. 

Mary Kate (in a warning voice). Pa! 
(Points behind her.) 

32 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. It's as well he shouldn't see 
you. Go at once, and God enable you and 
Mike to save us ! 

[O'Neill goes out hnstily, foUozved 
by Mary Kate^ C. Dempsy comes 
in, L. He is dressed in a tweed 
suit 

Dempsy {yawning). Was that Brian 
O'Neill I seen going out? 

Mrs. Dempsy. Yes. 

Dempsy. What brings him here again? 

Mrs. Dempsy. He came to warn us that 
the town knows all about your plots with Bun- 
bury. 

Dempsy. My plots, Catherine? (Yazms.) 

Mrs. Dempsy. Yes, your plots and plans, 
over the Chief Secretary's visit. 

Dempsy. Then old Bunbury has let it out! 
— Of course, you said there's no foundation 
for the rumour? 

Mrs. Dempsy. How could I say the likes 
of that? 

Dempsy. A wife has to keep up the good 
name of her husband. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'm doing more for your 
good name than you know. 

Dempsy. That's right. Anything that 

33 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

makes a gentleman of me, makes you a lady, 
Catherine. {He puts his arm round her.) 
You know it's not fair of you to pull against 
me on my up-hill climb. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Your down-hill trot, Jerry, 
it appears to me. 

Dempsy. Up-hill or down-hill, Catherine, 
I'm moving anyway ; and if you don't help me, 
I must go on without you. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Very well. But when 
you're landed in the ditch, don't ask me to 
pull you out again. 

Dempsy. Well, at any rate you'll stick to 
me till this election's over. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh, I'm sticking to you 
much closer than you think, Jerry. 

Dempsy. Com.e now! That's the proper 
frame of mind, Catherine. With you to work 
the pint o' porter boys, and Dr. Bunbury the 
port and sherry people, everything's safe for 
me and all concerned. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury's working you 
for the address and nothing else. He doesn't 
care what becomes of you or your business 
afterwards. 

Dempsy. And I'm working him as much 
as he is working me. 

34 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. All right! stick to Dr. 
Bunbury. We'll see who'll suffer by it in the 
end. 

Dempsy. Nobody at all. I'll benefit, you'll 
benefit; the town will benefit more than any 
one. Me and Dr. Bunbury understand each 
other thoroughly. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Well, between you, you can 
fight it with the town; I'll have no more to 
say about it. I must mind the shop as long 
as we have any customers. 

[She goes out, L. D. 

Dempsy {alone). Fight Cloghermore on 
the address! I might as well attempt to fight 
a mad bull with a red handkerchief! {He 
peeps out L.; looks puzzled. Then goes to the 
sideboard, takes out a bottle and drinks.) 
Somebody's coming in the front door. I be- 
lieve it's Dr. Bunbury. {Wipes his mouth and 
goes out hastily, leaving bottle on the table.) 
[Mary Kate comes in, follozued by 
Dr. Bunbury and Captain Mc- 
Namara C. from L. 

Mary Kate. Mother said Pa was here. 
I'll go and look for him. 

\_She goes out C. 

Capt. McNamara. I say, Bunbury, this is 

35 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

hardly playing the game — hunting a man down 
in his own den. 

Dr. Bunbury. My dear McNamara, it's 
only for his good. 

McNamara. I don't see where his good 
comes in at all, Bunbury. 

Dr. Bunbury. It's good for every man to 
be made a loyal citizen. I hope he hasn't taken 
to his bed again. 

McNamara. Shouldn't wonder at a man 
doing anything to escape this damn political 
quackery. 

Dr. Bunbury. Don't talk frivolously, Mc- 
Namara. He may overhear you. 

McNamara. What matter? It will give 
the man a chance to hide or run away. 

Dr. Bunbury. Run away from what? 

McNamara. From Dr. Bunbury's vivisec- 
tion in the interests of Government. 

Dr. Bunbury. But, my dear friend, public 
safety demands the operation. You wouldn't 
give up Cloghermore to Mike Flanigan and 
the forces of disruption ? 

McNamara (laughing) . My dear Doctor, 
in the public interests I'm prepared to burn 
Cloghermore to the ground, torture Dempsy 
into apoplexy, and undermine the constitution 

36 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

of the Chief Secretary with five addresses and 
a cold luncheon — is that satisfactory to you ! 

Dr. BuNEURY (mw^). Speak lower! (He 
looks round, and comes closer to McNamara.) 
It would be perfectly satisfactory, McNamara, 
if you meant it. But young men are so indo- 
lent nowadays, they'd drift anywhere if some 
one didn't undertake to steer them carefully. 

McNamara. Better drifting with the tide 
than trying to keep it out with a pitchfork. 

Dr. Bunbury. Not a word more, Mc- 
Namara. You placed yourself in my hands, 
and you must follow my instructions. 

McNamara. Well, Bunbury, as I'm in for 
it, I'd rather follow you than Mike Flanigan, 
the Furious. 

[Dempsy comes in, C. He is out of 
breath, and szvings round hack- 
wards till he humps against Bun- 
bury. 

Dempsy (gushingly). Upon my soul — I 
beg pardon — upon my honour, gentlemen, it's 
proud I am to see you both under my humble 
roof. (Shakes hands.) 

Dr. Bunbury. Thank you, thank you, Mr. 
Dempsy, and proud I am, in my personal and 
37 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

professional capacity, to see you in your nor- 
mal health again. 

Dempsy. Never was better in my life, Doc- 
tor. All_owing to your wonderful medicine. 
Won't you try a glass of something, gentle- 
men? (Points to bottle.) 

Dr. Bunbury. I never look at it before 
dinner. 

Dempsy. No more do I. No more do I. 
So I suppose the best thing we can do is just 
put it out of Mrs. Dempsy's reach. 

[He puts away the bottle in the side- 
board. Dr. Bunbury and Cap- 
tain McNamara shake their 
heads at each other, and come 
down the stage. 

Dr. Bunbury. A good fellow, Captain 
McNamara. A worthy, genial gentleman who 
will be a credit to us on the bench. 

McNamara. A decided acquisition, I'm 
sure. 

Dr. Bunbury. He'll raise the commercial 
standing of the town in the estimation of the 
Empire. 

McNamara. How nice of him! 

Dr. Bunbury. And teach us many things 
we're not quite up to yet. 

38 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

McNamara. Not a doubt he will. 
Dempsy (coming dozvn). Herself likes a 
(^Irop— (BuNBURY looks surprised)—kcpt 
handy when a friend calls. She's busy in the 
shop at present, and I am making myself a bit 
useful in her absence. 

Dr. Bunbury. Of course, of course. Busi- 
ness before pleasure, always, Mr. Dempsy. 
Which reminds me this is a business call en- 
tirely. You got my message announcing that 
the Chief Secretai7 had yielded to our wishes 
at last? 

Dempsy. I got it, Doctor, just as I was be- 
ginning to fear all hope for us was over. 

Dr. Bunbury. My dear friend, you're far 
too easily depressed. The Right Honourable 
gentleman is on the road, and Captain Mc- 
Namara has the address already drafted in his 
pocket. 

McNamara. Yes, Dempsy (taking out 
paper). Here's the weapon fully charged and 
primed to slaughter treason. All you've got to 
do is to pull yourself together and put your 
hand to it. 

Dempsy (feebly). Vm afraid, Captain, I 
can scarcely hold a pen. 
39 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

McNamara. Come now, Dempsy, don't be 
dodging us again. 

Dempsy (annoyed). Dodging, Captain Mc- 
Namara! Who ever seen me dodging? 

Dr. Bunbury. That's the Captain's military 
way of putting it. We know you're with us 
heart and soul — as you were when you broke 
down a week ago. 

Dempsy. I'm with you more than ere a man 
in Ireland. 

Dr. Bunbury. Any one with half an eye 
can see that, Mr. Dempsy. And, if you'll ex- 
cuse a poor practitioner whose time is not his 
own, I'll tell you how the matter stands. Your 
Commlission of the Peace depends on your be- 
haviour in the present crisis. If you do as we 
advise, everything is safe; if you follow other 
people's clamour, everything is doubtful. 

Dempsy. Your advice is like your medicine, 
Doctor, always sound and stimulating. 

McNamara. Well, prepare to take your 
dose (places paper before Dempsy). The J.P.- 
ship is the lump of sugar to remove the flavour 
of the Chief Secretary. 

Dempsy (rising and assuming an oratorical 
manner). Gentlemen, nothing but your pres- 
40 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

ence in the room prevents me saying how 
much I am indebted to you both. 

McNamara. Then sign the document, and 
we'll leave you here to say it at your leisure. 

[Mrs. Dempsy comes in. McNamara 
hands the paper to Dempsy, who 
spreads it out and falls back in the 
chair on seeing Mrs. Dempsy. 

McNamara (handing Dempsy a pen). 
Come, get it over as soon as possible. 

Dempsy. Ah, Captain, you military gentle- 
men are always in a dreadful hurry. But, Doc- 
tor, there's no signature to this at all! Don't 
you think it's rank presumption in an humble 
man like me to sign first f 

Dr. Bunbury. Certainly not {confidential- 
ly). Besides, I wish the Chief Secretary to 
take particular notice of your name, and he's 
so busy a man he rarely looks below the first 
signature. 

Dempsy. Doctor, I couldn't think of coming 
in before the Church. The clergy ought to be 
the first to sign. 

McNamara. But they don't mind a straw. 

Dempsy. Captain McNamara, you are well 
aware that in this country the clergy come be- 
fore us all. 

41 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. Quite right, Jerry. Don't 
give way on that. 

Dempsy. My dear, I'll not give way on that, 
or any other point concerning my convictions. 

McNamara. Bunbury, I think we shouldn't 
press this matter further. 

Dr. Bunbury. Mrs. Dempsy, we respect 
your husband's scruples, but is there any reason 
why we should not sign before this clergyman ? 

Mrs. Dempsy. I have nothing to say on the 
subject, Doctor. 

Dr. Bunbury (speaking with suppressed an^ 
ger.) No, you are perhaps right to abstain 
from interference in all pupblic business. I do 
the same myself, generally speaking. 

McNamara (to Dempsy.) You undertake 
to sign it after the Dean ? 

Dempsy. When his reverence leads the way, 
I may safely follow after him. 

Dr. Bunbury. Very satisfactory, indeed. 
Although, Mrs. Dempsy, I must say your hus- 
band's action is a little trying to his best 
friends. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I wouldn't put up with it if 
I were you. Doctor. 

Dr. Bunbury (changing to a genial man- 
ner). No matter; Mr. Dempsy and I are old 
42 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

friends. We understand each other. {Patting 
Dempsy.) He'll come and make a speech and 
be presented to the Chief Secretary— if there's 
time. Now, Captain McNamara. (He takes 
his hat.) We'll not be long away, Mrs. Demp- 
sy. (Going.) 

Dempsy. Gentlemen, I can't allow you to 
depart with the unfounded notion I have raised 
mere frivolous objections, to participate in this 
delightful function. 

Dr. Bunbury. Certainly not. (Going.) 
McNamara (going). We'll take your ex- 
planations as delivered in our absence, Mr. 
Dempsy. 

[Dempsy gets between them and the 
door. 
Dempsy. This address is a document, gen- 
tlemen, which reflects honour on the head and 

heart of every one concerned in it 

Dr. Bunbury. We'll be back presently. 
(Trying to go out.) 

Dempsy (stopping Dr. Bunbury). A doc- 
ument in which the great principles of freedom, 
dignity and self-reliance are unflinchingly up- 
held. 

Dr. Bunbury (near the door). Quite so. 

(Puts on his hat.) 

43 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Gentlemen, in that document are 
embodied sentiments of devoted loyalty and 

patriotism 

[Captain McNamara rums out. Dr. 
BuNBURY follozvs, Dempsy Con- 
tinues, foUozving them to the door 
and speaking off in a louder voice. 
the two noblest inheritances of our common hu- 
manity; and, if the efforts of a life time, the fel- 
lowship of years, the pains of sickness and the 
joys of health — (in a lower voice) — I wonder 
have they had enough! — (raising his voice 
again) — the convictions that have moved the 
multitude of men since the beginning of the 
world — (coming from the door and speaking 
in an ordinary tone) — Yes, I think I heard the 
door close. 

Mrs. Dempsy (laughing). Oh Jerry! The 
poor Captain is a decent man. Why do you 
plague him with such awful speeches! 

Dempsy. Because they are the only weap- 
ons of defense a benevolent Government has 
left us. 

[Mary Kate comes in L. D. 

Mary Kate. Brian O'Neill and Mike Flan- 
igan are coming up the stairs. 

44 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

Dempsy (alarmed). Did they see the other 
gentlemen go out? 

Mary Kate. Yes, Pa. They were both 
standing in the shop as the other twO' went out 
the hall door. 

Dempsy {quietly). No doubt they're com- 
ing now about my nomination papers. 

Mary Kate. Brian said they're coming to 
heckle you. 

Mrs. Dempsy. What's heckling! 

Dempsy. An instrument of torture for the 
punishment of candidates, said to have been in- 
vented by the Scotch. Like everything else, 
they stole it out of Ireland. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And they're going to try that 
on you, Jerry ! I must stay and see the way it 
works. 

Dempsy. Do, Catherine. They'll not be 
quite so hard if you are with me. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'm not too sure of that, 
Jerry. 

[O'Neill and Flanigan come in. 

Dempsy. Ah, boys! I wish you were here 
a little sooner to help against the shoneens. I'm 
quite exhausted with the battle. 

Flanigan. I hope that we're in time to 
staunch your wounds. 

45 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

Dempsy (jocularly) . The wounds are with 
the enemy, my boy. 

[Tapping his breast. Mrs. Dempsy, 
Mary Kate, and O'Neill stand 
conversing at door. 
Do I look Hke a defeated man ? — Like one who 
had the worst of it I 

Flanigan. No, sir; you look extremely 
well. 

Dempsy. I feel extremely well because I 
routed our opponents, Mike. I fired shot and 
shell into their ranks until they fled the field. 

Flanigan. I'm glad you were so deadly, 
Mr. Dempsy. Still, I irtfust say, the portion of 
your speech I overheard sounded remarkably 
like blank cartridge. 

Dempsy. I fired all my heavy bullets first. 
(To Mrs. Dempsy.) Didn't I drive the Cap- 
tain and the Doctor off, my dear! 

Mrs. Dempsy. You blew them out the door 
like sparks before a bellows, Jerry. 

Flanigan. Then, since your ammunition's 
shot away, we're safe to challenge you. (He 
unfolds a paper.) This is a proclamation call- 
ing on the people to repudiate the foolish ad- 
dress intended for the Chief Secretary. We 
want your name the very first upon it. 

46 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Certainly, Mike. Sit down. {They 
sit.) You know my health {assuming a feeble 
tone) isn't what it used to be, at all; and now, 
with my election coming on, I feel the strain 
is terrible. Indeed, the Doctor's only after tell- 
ing me it's in my bed I ought to be, and not ex- 
citing myself with any earthly business, good 
or bad. 

Flanigan. But Mr. Dempsy, you said just 
now you were in splendid fighting form. 

Dempsy. Tliat's the worst of my complaint. 
One moment well, the next ready to lie up for 
burial. I keep the good side out as well as I 
can, Mike, but it's only a pretence. I'm not 
the man people take me for at all. 

Flanigan. So I have been told! But, sign 
this, and we'll relieve you of the whole respon- 
sibility. 

Dempsy. I wish that I was strong enough 
to go into this battle heart and soul. But the 
way I am, it's thinking of my end I ought to 
be. 

Flanigan. If it was the last breath in your 
body it's your duty to devote it to the honour 
of the town which this welcome imperils. 

Dempsy {caressing Flanigan^s hand). 
Heaven reward you for your fervour, Mike! 

47 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

It's what I used to say, myself, when I was 
young. {To O'Neill.) Come over here, Bri- 
an. 

[O'Neill nods to Mrs. Dempsy and 
Mary Kate,^ and comes down. 
Mrs. Dempsy and Mary Kate go 
out. 

Flanigan. It's not so long since you said 
it, Mr. Dempsy ; and principles are the same to 
old or young. 

Dempsy. They are, my boy, and the longer 
you live the more you feel the want of them. 
But they're wasting, terribly wasting, on the 
constitution, Mike. 

O'Neill. You have our warmest sympathy, 
Mr. Dempsy. Nothing but necessity makes us 
trouble you. They say that you're leaning to 
the other side. We want to contradict them. 

Dempsy. Brian, dear, some people will say 
anything. 

Flanigan. The way to stop them is to sign 
this public protest. 

Dempsy. But what harm will that address 
of Bunbury's do any one? If half-a-dozen 
busybodies want to make fools of themselves, 
where's the good of stopping them? 

Flanigan. These people figure in the name 

48 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

of Cloghermore. We can't let them dishonour 
us by welcoming a tyrant. 

O'Neill. It wouldn't do at all. The town 
would be disgraced forever. 

Dempsy. Post up your paper on the walls 
unsigned. It will do just as well. {Coniidenr 
tially.) I'll pay half the cost of printing it my- 
self. 

Flanigan (to O'Neill, rising). We're 
only wasting our time talking to him. He's 
committed to the other side already. 

Dempsy. Now don't be jumping at conclu- 
sions, Mike. Did I say I wouldn't sign any- 
thing you asked me ? 

Flanigan. You made excuses, which is 
very much the same. 

Dempsy. You are altogether wrong in your 
suspicions, Mike. I'll sign your protest with a 
heart and a half. Indeed, if you hadn't been so 
kind as to bring the paper to my bedside — 
(Flanigan looks round the room) — It's all 
the same as my bedside when I'm so ill — I'd 
travel to the Town Hall to sign it, if I had to 
crawl upon my knees. 

Flanigan. Mr. Dempsy, I ask your par- 
don for my doubts, I quite misunderstood you. 

Dempsy. Don't mention it, my friend, don't 

49 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

mention it. It does my heart good to see such 
spirit in the yoimg men of to-day. It does that 
so; though Vm broken down myself and faiHng 

every hour 

[Mrs. Dempsy comes in. 
though the Hght is fading from my eyes — (to 
Mrs. Dempsy) my dear, I want my specta- 
cles^ — though old age creeps in upon me, and 
my hands tremble and my limbs stiffen — (Mrs. 
Dempsy hands Dempsy his spectacles) — 
thank you, my dear ! — it makes me 
young {raisifig his voice) to put my ar- 
mour on once more. {He puts on his 
spectacles.) Gentlemen — {in a business tone) 
— I have your words for it, that, no matter 
what happens after this, you'll not oppose my 
re-election to the Council. (Mrs. Dempsy 
stands looking out of the window.) 

Flanigan. Certainly, Mr. Dempsy. We'll 
do all we can to help you. 

O'Neill. We'll denounce any one who 
raises an objection to you now. 

Dempsy. Then the deed is done. {He signs 
paper. ) 

Mrs. Dempsy. May the Lord forgive you, 
Jerry! (O'Neill and Flanigan look sur- 
prised at Mrs. Dempsy^ zvho goes out.) 

SO 



THE ELCX5UENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Ladies don't understand these 
matters, boys. They're Conservatives at heart 
— every blessed one of them. 

Flanigan (going). Mr. Dempsy, you have 
acquitted yourself nobly. Your return is as- 
sured. 

Dempsy (taking O'Neill and Flanigan 
by the hand). God bless you both. You're a 
credit to the town. I wish we had a few more 
of your stamp to counteract the evil influences 
at work around us. 

[Dr. Bunbury and Captain Mc- 
Namara come in from L. D. fol- 
lowed by Mrs. Dempsy. 
Dr. Bunbury. We are in a hurry, Mr. 
Dempsy, and, finding Mrs. Dempsy at the 
door, came straight up. We knew you would 
be anxiously awaiting us. The Dean has 
signed most willingly. (He looks suspiciously 
at O'Neill and Flanigan.) 

Dempsy. Two young friends of mine who 
just dropped in to cheer my lonely soli- 
tude. 

[He leads O'Neill and Flanigan 

towards the door and motions 

Mrs. Dempsy to get them off. 

Cannes down with Dr. Bunbury 

SI 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

and Captain McNamara. Mrs. 

Dempsy motions O'Neill and 

Flanigan to remain. They stand 

near door L. 

Dempsy {turning round to O'Neill and 

Flanigan). Good evening to you, boys. It 

was very good of you to call. {To Captain 

McNamara). Won't you take a seat, Captain, 

till we have a chat about the races I Doctor, 

Fll put out my tongue to you immediately. 

[Captain McNamara walks to win- 

doiv and looks out. 

Dr. Buneury {to Dempsy). These young 

men are trying to create dissension in the town, 

I hear. I hope you gave them good advice, and 

they will follow it. 

Dempsy {confused, to Mrs. Dempsy). 
Have you nothing down-stairs, my dear, to 
offer our friends? They won't put you to the 
trouble of carrying it up here, I know. 

Mrs. Dempsy {turning to sideboard). All 
they'll take's at hand, I think. {She proceeds 
to open sideboard and takes out glasses and 
two bottles of lemonade.) 

Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, you will par- 
don one devoted to the cause of suffering hu- 
manity. Every moment of my time is precious. 

52 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Life and death attend your foot- 
steps, Doctor. Catherine, the doctor wants to 
sound my chest. Must we go into the bed- 
room? {Looks at O'Neill and Flanigan 
suggestively.) 

Mrs. Dempsy. He sounded you thoroughly 
half-an-hour ago. Didn't you, Doctor! {She 
pours out lemonade for Flanigan and 
O'Neill.) 

Dr. Bunbury. As a professional man, my 
lips are sealed. 

McNamara {coming from window). Real- 
ly, we've all had quite enough of this. There's 
the address to the Chief Secretary. Sign it or 
not just as you're disposed. {Throws paper 
on table.) Perhaps these gentlemen {pointing 
to O'Neill and Flanigan) will oblige us 
with the use of their names also! 

Dr. Bunbury. A happy thought, indeed! 
Speaking from a neutral point of view, I don't 
see how they can refuse after their leading 
clergyman has signified approval. Mr. Demp- 
sy, according to his promise, leads the way. 

Dempsy {taking paper up). It's a mere 
matter of politeness, after all. A mere, idle 
matter of politeness. 

Flanigan. A matter of politeness that will 

53 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

cost you your seat on the Council, Mr. Demp- 
sy. 

Dr. Bunbury. Refusal will endanger your 
appointment to the bench. 

Flanigan (angrily). So, Dempsy, that's 
the price of your apostasy ! The treason's out 
at last ! 

Dr. Bunbury. Treason is more in your 
line than in ours, my young man. 

Flanigan. What you call treason. Dr. 
Bunbury, I call loyalty. 

McNamara. It all depends upon one's 
point of view. 

Dr. Bunbury. In this matter there is only 
one point of view. It is Mr. Dempsy's interest 
to sign. As your medical adviser I prescribe 
it to get rid of all excitement. 

Dempsy. You hear what the Doctor orders. 
I'm a patient in his hands. 

O'Neill. As your nearest friend, I beg of 
you to decline his orders. 

McNamara (jocularly). As your political 
confederate, I advise you not to throw over 
the Chief Secretary. 

Dempsy. I'll lose my health if I do. 

Flanigan. You'll lose your character if 
you don't. 

54 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

Dr. Bunbury. You'll lose the custom of 
the gentry if you refuse. 

Flanigan. You'll be avoided by the people 
if you yield. 

Dr. Bunbury. Your license will be for- 
feited, as well as every claim to sit upon the 
bench. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Your business will be ruined, 
Jerry. 

Flanigan. And you'll be left to drink por- 
ter with policemen. 

Dempsy (taking up a pen.) With my fu- 
ture so amply provided for by you all, I can af- 
ford to be a trifle generous. (He signs.) 
There it is, Captain. The Chief Secretary is 
welcome to my bones. (Falls back in chair.) 

McNamara (flourishing paper). Jeremiah 
Dempsy, County Councillor, welcomes the 
Chief Secretary for Ireland to Cloghermiore ! 

Flanigan. Jeremiah Dempsy denounces 
the address. (Produces his paper.) 

McNamara. His name's here! 

Flanigan. And here!! (They examine 
each other's papers, and then put them in their 
breast pockets. Captain McNamara and 
Mrs. Dempsy laugh.) 

Dr. Bunbury. Well, I've seen some comf- 

55 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

plications in the coiu'se of my career, but this 
one fairly staggers me. 

Flanigan. Well, Mr. Dempsy, it's all up 
with your election. I must denounce you as a 
traitor to the town. 

McNamara. Looks a bit like hedging, Mr. 
Flanigan ? 

Flanigan. It is worse than hedging, Cap- 
tain. It's riding under false colours. 

Dempsy. No, gentlemen, nothing of the 
kind. I acted like an open-minded man who 
sees the good on both sides and endeavours to 
be fair to everybody. 

Flanigan (to O'Neill). What are we to 
do now, Brian? 

O'Neill. Fight the issue at the poll, if we 
can find an honest man to stand against him. 

Flanigan. We'll have no difficulty in that. 

Dr. Bunbury. As a mere onlooker, 
anxious to avoid all violent expressions, I am 
reluctantly compelled to tell you, Mr. Dempsy, 
you have acted like a ruffian. 

Dempsy. Oh, doctor! After all I did to 
please you ! 

Dr. Bunbury. You have made the town 
ridiculous. 

56 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

McNamara (jocularly). With the eyes of 
the world riveted upon it. 

Dr. Bunbury. McNamara, come away. 
You have his signature to the address. We'll 
present it without minding the other thing at 
all. His absurdities are of no consequence 
whatever. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Is that your political or pro- 
fession opinion, Doctor? 

Dr. Bunbury. Madam, it is both. 

Dempsy. Did you ever see such unreason- 
able people in your life, Catherine? They both 
forced me intO' this against my will; and, af- 
ter doing all I could to satisfy themi, they are 
ten times worse on me than ever. 

Mrs. Dempsy (smiling). Perhaps if you ex- 
plain yourself they'll change their minds. 

McNamara. By all means, Mr. Dempsy, 
let us have a speech. 

Dempsy (standing on a chair). Gentlemen, 
Mrs. Dempsy's genius solves the difficulty. 

Dr. Bunbury. Oh, indeed! (Mrs. Demp- 
sy sits with arms folded, smiling.) 

Dempsy. Yes, she's in my confidence, she 
understands my hidden springs and inner 
workings, and ventures to suggest if I reveal 

57 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

them your suspicion, doubt, and hesitation will 
be instantly dispelled. 

McNamara. We haven't many doubts, Mr. 
Dempsy. 

Dr. Bunbury. We know you now. You 
can't deceive us further. 

Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury and Captain Mc- 
Namara, I thank you both for your acquittal. 
{They smile.) It does honour to your sense 
ol justice, as you did honour to mjy humble 
name when you requested it so prominently 
among the clergy, nobility and gentry in that 
unnecessary document which the gallant Cap- 
tain nurtures in his bosom. Gentlemen, for a 
few brief moments after you had left me my 
cup of joy seemed full. I gazed upon it, so to 
speak, surmounted by a foamy head which I 
felt that I must blow away ere I could taste 
the substance. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It all helps to fill the pot. 

Flanigan. You drank it froth and all, Jer- 
ry. 

Dempsy. No, Mike, I put it down untasted 
till you came tendering me a more seductive 
beverage — a beverage to which the Doctor's 
measure seemed the merest heel-tap. {Steps 
down.) 

58 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

Flanigan. You swallowed both of them. 

O'Neill. But Mr. Dempsy, you haven't ex- 
plained anything. 

Dempsy. Brian, when a simple man like 
me puts pen to paper, he's always sure to get 
the worst of it. 

O'Neill. We warned you before you signed 
It. 

Dr. Bunbury. What right have you, young 
man, to interfere? 

Dempsy. My friends, I'm not worth fight- 
ing over. I'm a man of few words, and even 
these I find it hard to stick to. 

Dr. Bunbury. That's no explanation of 
your conduct, sir. 

Dempsy. Dr. Bunbury, it is your own con- 
duct, not mine, requires explanation. 

Dr. Bunbury. My conduct, sir! 

Dempsy. Yes ; you have, on both sides, sig- 
natures obtained from me by threats and prom- 
ises. I think if I enforce the law, I have it in 
my power to punish all of you, for gross intim- 
idation. But, being a man of peace, anxious 
to avoid ill-will, I offer you a compromise. 
Tear up the incriminating evidence, withdraw 
your opposition to my candidature, and I prom- 
ise solemnly to forgive everybody. (He 

59 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

thumps the table. They all laugh. Mary Katei 
comes in.) 

Dr. Bunbury. Upon my word, Dempsy, 
you're remarkably magnanimous! 

Flanigan. Magniloquent ! 

McNamara. Magnificent ! 

Flanigan. Generous to the last ! 

Dempsy {bowing). Thank you, gentle- 
men. I felt you would acquit me. 

Mary Kate. The head-constable is below, 
and sends up word that the Chief Secretary 
can't stop after all. 

Flanigan. The people's will has tri- 
umphed ! 

Dr. Bunbury. And Cloghermore's dishon- 
oured in the eyes of Europe. 

McNamara {laughing). The Empire tot- 
ters on her diamond throne. 

Dempsy. There you are! You see what a 
lot of bother you have all been making over 
nothing. You might as well have taken my 
advice and torn up the papers when I asked 
you. 

Mary Kate {coming to Dempsy and em^ 
bracing him). Pa, you're the wisest man 
among them. You said at the beginning that 
60 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

the Secretary wouldn't stop to visit at such a 
cracked pitcher of a town as this. 

Dempsy. My dear, you shouldn't repeat 
your father's idle jokes. 

Flanigan. You'll find it's no joke calling 
Cloghermiore a cracked pitcher. I'll stand 
against you for the Council, and I'll fight you 
out on this as well as other issues. 

Dr. Bunbury. McNamara, you must stand 
against them both. The respectable people of 
the town will rally round you to a man. 

McNamara. For the fun of the rallying, I 
don't mind if I do. Dempsy, I'm going to be 
your rival with the many-headed multitude. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Now, we're in for sport! 

Flanigan. Now we're in for principle! 

Dempsy. Now we're in for ructions! 

O'Neill. Three cheers for Flanigan ! 

Dr. Bunbury. Three cheers or Mc- 
Namara ! 

Mary Kate. Three cheers for Pa ! 

[They all cheer together. Dempsy hows. 

Curtain. 



6i 



ACT III 

Scene: The same. Morning, a week later, 
Mary Kate and Mrs. Dempsy discovered 
looking out of window. They come from 
th'e window. 

Mrs. Dempsy. They take a long time to 
count the votes. 

Mary Kate. The three lots make it trouble- 
some, I suppose. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And three such odd lots, 
Mary Kate! The town never had so much 
variety. {Shouting heard zvithout.) There 
they are, at last. (Both rush to window.) 

Mary Kate. Mike Flanigan's on the steps 
waving his hat. He must be in, and Pa out 
of it. Poor Pa ! 

Mrs. Dempsy. I'm very glad to see it. 

Mary Kate. What a shame. Ma! — After 
all Pa's lovely speeches! Look! There he 
is, and Brian, too ! — Pa's going to address the 
crowd. {Cheers, boos and shouts in the dis- 
tance. ) 

62 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. He'd never be such a fool 
after they had thrown him out. 

Mary Kate. Yes, he's going to speak. 
He's holding up his hand. 

Mrs. Dempsy. So he is — the omadhawn! 
— Look! They're rushing for him! Oh, 
they'll have his life! (Groans and shouts 
come nearer.) 

Mary Kate {leaning out of the zmndow 
and shouting to the crowd). Stop that! Let 
my father alone, you villains. Ma, ma, they're 
tearing him to bits ! 

Mrs. Dempsy. No. Brian and Mike are 
running to the rescue. I wonder where the 
Captain is? He doesn't show himself at all. 

Mary Kate. Ah! there's the police at 
last. Pa's safe now ! 

Mrs. Dempsy. No, he's not ! The women 
have got hold of him — (louder) — Let his coat 
go, Judy Heffernan! — Come in and pay your 
bill, Mrs. Brady, then you'll be fit to talk to 
him. (To Mary Kate.) I must run down 
and open the hall door. (She rushes out. The 
clamour approaches.) 

Mary Kate (still at the zvindozv.) God be 
praised! He's through the door. They've 
nothing but his hat to kick now. (She comes 

63 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

from the zmndozv and stands near the door 
speaking off.) Oh Pa, they haven't killed 
yOiU? {Enter Dempsy zmthout his hat. His 
coat and black frock are badly torn. He is fol- 
lowed by O'Neill and Mrs. Dempsy.) 

Mrs. Dempsy. Are you hurt at all? 

O'Neill. Not much, Mrs. Dempsy. He'll 
be all right in a minute. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Judy didn't kick you hard? 

Dempsy. Only with her bare feet, Cathe- 
rine. 

O'Neill {pointing). That's what soiled 
his clothes, Mrs. Dempsy. It'll brush off. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Her boots are in the pawn. 
Glory be to God ! 

Dempsy. I gave her a shilling to get them 
out last night. 

Mrs. Dempsy. She drunk the money in the 
shop down-stairs this morning. 

Dempsy. That's lucky for me. If she had 
her brogues, I wouldn't have a sound bone left 
in my body. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Well, I'll see her tongue a 
yard out of her mouth before she'll get an- 
other drop from me — the rascal ! 

Mary Kate. So you're thrown out by 

64 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mike Flanigan, and his friends. {Looking 
angrily at O'Neill.) 

Dempsy. I polled only five-and-thirty 
votes. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And you made at least five- 
and-thirty speeches, Jerry. 

Mary Kate. They ought to be ashamed 
of themselves! {To O'Neill.) Don't speak 
to me again, Brian. 

Mrs. Dempsy. What matter, when your 
father isn't coming home to us a corpse! — or 
even wounded! 

Dempsy. I ami wounded, Catherine, in my 
tenderest feelings. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Thank God it's nothing 
worse, poor man! 

Dempsy {turning round). O'Neill, did you 
hear that? Beaten at the poll! derided by a 
ravening mob of women! my hat forfeited, 
my coat torn! my character degraded by the 
insult of police protection! — and my wife 
thanks God it's nothing worse! Enemy 
though you are, you wouldn't go as far as 
that. 

O'Neill. I'm no enemy of yours, Mr. 
Dempsy. I fought against misgovernment — 
not you. 

65 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. You fought like an ungrateful 
child against his fond adopted father. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Never mind, Jerry. You're 
well out of it. 

Dempsy (ruefully looking at himself). She 
calls this well out of it ! 

Mrs. Dempsy. Sure, you might have got 
a polthogue that would injure you for life. 

Dempsy. No polthogue could injure me as 
much as Sergeant Gallagher's protection with 
a baton. 

Mary Kate. You'll be even with themi all 
yet. Pa, if you keep up your heart. 

Dempsy. I don't want to be even with the 
rabble, Mary Kate. I'm done with them for 
ever. 

O'Neill. They're vexed with you for sign- 
ing that address. 

Mrs. Dempsy. And calling Cloghermore a 
cracked pitcher. 

O'Neill. It was a great mistake, entirely. 

Dempsy (to O'Neill). You helped to 
make the most of my mistake. When you 
stabbed me with a vote of censure in the back, 
I couldn't help recalling Csesar's touching 
words, "And thou, too, Brian !" 
66 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

O'Neill. It'll blow over soon. It's only 
friends that's in it. 

Mary Kate (to Brian). /'// never speak 
to you again. (She goes to the zvindow.) 

O'Neill. I am very sorry, Mr. Dempsy, 
that you left our side. (Shouts.) If you 
hadn't, we'd have stuck to you. 

Dempsy. You're sticking to me now when 
it's no use. 

Mary Kate (at zmvdow). There's the 
crowd chairing Mr. Flanigan upon their 
shoulders. 

[Shouts come nearer and die away again. 

Dempsy. To think how I've been handled 
by the people that I waited on, the scum I 
toiled for at the porter-pulls, the tongues I 
cooled on credit, the hands I thrust the cop- 
pers back again into and said, *'Go home, avic, 
you've had enough to-night." 

Mrs. Dempsy. Well, let them have their 
way. Sit down and promise you'll have noth- 
ing more to do with any of them. {She places 
a pillozv for Dempsy, who sits down pain- 
fully . ) 

Dempsy. Catherine, I'll never sit upon a 
board again, I promise you. 

67 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

Mrs. Dempsy. You won't go making 
speeches to them any more. Will you, dear? 

Dempsy. Not one. From this day for- 
ward my speech will be — silence! 

Mrs. Dempsy. And you'll give up the 
public-house and come and live for ever in the 
country 1 

Dempsy. I can't give up my little means of 
living. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Then I'm afraid, Jerry it'll 
give up you. 

O'Neill. Mr. Dempsy, I'll leave you for a 
bit. (Going.) 

Dempsy. Leave me on St. Helena's barren 
shore, the wreck of former greatness. 

[O'Neill goes out, beckoning Mary 
Kate^ zvho at -first refuses to notice 
and then runs after him. 
Fortune has done her worst. Her arrows all 
are spent. 

[Mary Kate goes out. 

Mrs. Dempsy. No, nor half of them. Look 
at the bundle I have here. (She takes papers 
from the table.) 

Dempsy. More poisoned shafts! More ar- 
rows for my bosom ! 

Mrs. Dempsy. Ay, a dozen of them. They 
68 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

were coming in all week, but I didn't want to 
bother you about them during your election. 

Dempsy. My election!— No matter! Noth- 
ing can wound me now ! . . . What are they 
about ? 

Mrs. Dempsy (taking up a paper). You 
are expelled from the Tenants' League, the 
Football Club, the United Temperance Asso- 
ciation. 

Dempsy. Is that all! 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh dear no! The Anti- 
Treaters forbid you to sell any more liquor 
over bargains on a Fair-day. It's against their 
principles. 

Dempsy. Tell them to give it away for 
nothing is against mine. 

Mrs. Dempsy. The Anti-Emigration So- 
ciety directs you to cease selling emigration 
tickets on pain of expulsion from their body. 
Dempsy. The shipping companies dis- 
charged me a week ago for joining that so- 
ciety. 

Mrs. Dempsy. The Loyal and Patriotic 
Cricket Club, the True Blue Cyclists, the Im- 
perial-Minded Society for the Protection of 
Milestones, direct you send no more wine to 
their assemblies. 

69 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. They never had above two dozen 
pints of shilling claret. 

Mrs. Dempsy. The Royal Irish Constabu- 
lary cancel their order for supplies of bottled 
stout, pigs' cheeks, and shoe-polish. 

Dempsy. That's serious! They were the 
best customers we had for bottled stout and 
polish. 

Mrs. Dempsy. The Old Maids' Hospital 
will take no more tea, but, out of consideration 
for your wife, they agree to take as hereto- 
fore your annual donation. 

Dempsy. God bless their sunny hearts! 
There's some hope for us still. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Not much. The Committee 
of the Fife and Drum/ Band resolved at last 
meeting to refuse the next subscription you 
may be induced to offer them. They'll beat no 
more drums for you, Jerry, unless when you 
are speeching. 

Dempsy. It looks as if the best thing I can 
do is gracefully retire from these offices of 
trust. 

Mrs. Dempsy (putting azvay papers). Yes, 
and from the business, too, if you'll take my 
advice. The public taste is off you, Jerry. 

Dempsy. It's only a bit deranged. I feel 
70 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

that I could win it back if they'd agree to 

listen to me. 

[Cheers outside. Dempsy starts and 

turns round. Mary Kate comes 

in excitedly. 

Mary Kate. Oh, Pa, there's a great crowd 

outside. They want you to address them, I 

am certain. 

Dempsy (rising). I knew they'd come to 
me again! They can't resist my eloquence. 

Mrs. Dempsy (pushing him back into the 
chair). Nonsense, dear. They're nothing but 
the rubbish of the town, wanting to get fun 
out of you. Remember St. Helena. 

A Voice outside. Give us a speech, Mr. 
Dempsy. We'll put you in next time. (Cheers 
and boos outside.) 

Dempsy (again rising). It is miyself they 
want to lead them, after all. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It's yourself they want to 
make a fool of. You wouldn't break your 
promise, Jerry dear! (She pushes him again 
into his chair.) 

Dempsy. I'll not be held back from my 
people, Catherine. I'll speak to them once 
more!— just one word more! 
71 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Mrs. Dempsy. You'll be getting every 
window in the house broken. 

Dempsy. I've had more precious idols 
broken than my windows. I'll speak to them 
or die. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Oh Jerry, Jerry — after all 
you promised me ! 

Mary Kate (from zmidozu). They don't 
look angry at all, Ma. I'm sure they want to 
hear him. 

Dempsy. The charm of my eloquence al- 
lures them still. 

Mrs. Dempsy (sadly). Very well! Fol- 
low your old fagary to the end ! 

Dempsy (rising). I'll not be muzzled, 
Catherine, by any one. The multitudes are 
calling, calling out for more. Mike Flanigan 
can't give them what they want of me. 

Mary Kate (coming from the zmndow). 
O'h Pa, you must take off this torn coat. (She 
proceeds to take off his coat.) 

A Voice (outside). Jerry, don't be afraid 
to show yourself ! 

Dempsy. They think I'm afraid. I'll teach 
the rascals better. 

Another Voice. Dempsy 's gone to bed ! 
72 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Did yoii hear that ? Make haste ! 
(Groans outside.) 

[O'Neill comes in. He whispers 
to Mrs. Dempsy. Meanzvhile 
Mary Kate is assisting Dempsy 
to take oif his coat. Mrs. Dempsy 
picks up his dressing-gown and 
throtvs it towards them. It is 
turned inside out. Mrs. Dempsy 
sits down in the easy chair in a 
sulky uninterested attitude, and as 
Mary Kate goes over to the side 
with the torn coat, Dempsy hastily 
puts on his dressing-gown inside 
out. The dressing-gown is green 
lined zvith orange, th^ Irish party 
colours. None of them notice the 
■ accident. The noise goes on out- 

side. 
Dempsy (going tozmrds the window). 
Make way, O'Neill, I've got my fighting har- 
ness on. 

O'Neill. So I see, Mr. Dempsy. But is it 
worth your while? 

{He opens the window for Dempsy. 
Dempsy. I'll not be dumb to spare your 

7?^ 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

feelings, Brian. I'll give your friends a drub- 
bing, I can tell you. 

Mary Kate. Show them you're no coward, 
Pa. 

Mrs. Dempsy (sarcastically). That's right! 
To puff him up with rubbish, after their 
abusing him to death ! 

O'Neill. I don't think, sir, you should 
lower yourself to talk to them. 

Dempsy (pompously). Among them in the 
street I was upon their level. Here' they're 
but a sea of battered hats and faces. Behold 
how I subdue them! (He goes to the win- 
dow and begins to speak to those outside. The 
noise gradually increases as he proceeds.) 
Ladies and gentlemen, in this first moment 
of defeat — 

A Voice. No, it's a victory! 

Another Voice. Whist ! 

Dempsy (severely). In this first moment 
of defeat and humiliation — for the town of 
Cloghermore — 

A Voice, Flanigan for ever! (Cheers.) 

Dempsy. When all is lost but honour — 

A Voice. The Lord forgive you! 

Dempsy. Rising from the field of battle, 

74 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

where I fell, with my flag still floating proudly 

over me — 

[Groans outside. Dr. Bunbury 
and McNamara come in. 
And my country's colours wrapped aroimd my 

hrcact 

[''Oh! our outside. 

I proclaim myself a deathless martyr for the 

Green. 

Voices. Boo-oo-ooh! You Orangeman! 
You Orangeman! You turncoat! 

Dempsy {to those on the stage). Why do 
they call me Orangeman? Is there anything 
about my personal appearance that offends 

them! 

Mary Kate (alarmed). Pa, dear, you 

have your gown on wrong! ! ! 

Dempsy (looking at himself). O Lord, I 
am undone for ever! ! ! 

[He totters down the stage, and 
stands swaying backward and for- 
ward. O'Neill closes the win- 
dow. 
I am lost! I am disgraced, I am dishonoured 
in the eyes of all m.y people! I'll not survive 
this day of many sorrows. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Don't be bothered with 

75 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

them any more. Maybe it's for the best you 
made this comical mistake. 

Dempsy. It is, indeed, my Waterloo at 
last! 

[Mary Kate takes off his gown. 
The green side is now turned out. 
Mrs. Dempsy holds up his tweed 
coat. 
Mrs. Dempsy. Then peel off Waterloo 
and put on honest homlespun. Don't be doubt- 
ful which becomes you best. The gown was 
made in Manchester. 

[She holds up his tweed coat. 

Dempsy looks at it, then at the 

green gown, and appears doubtful. 

He puts on the tweed coat. 

Dr. Bunbury. Mr. Dempsy, you have still 

open a retreat of honour. {He holds up a 

paper.) 

McNamara. Where you can serve the 
people and the State according as the wind 
blows. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I wish to the Lord you'd 
leave the man alone — the lot of you. 

Dr. Bunbury. It is my privilege to tell 
you, Mr. Dempsy, that you are at last ap- 

76 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

pointed, through my efforts, a Justice of the 
Peace. Here is your commission. 

Dempsy. What is anything to me without 
the people's favour ? 

Dr. Bunbury. This will bring you more 
respect than you ever had before. 

McNamara. The police will touch their 
caps to you in passing by. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Don't believe him, Jerry. 
Be wise, and throw it out the window. 

Dempsy (taking the paper from Bun- 
bury). You think it will restore me all that 
I have lost? 

Dr. Bunbury. Most certainly! It's the 
highest honour any citizen could hope for. 

McNamara. The great paladium of lib- 
erty, as everybody knows in Ireland. 

Dempsy. It looks like a commitment from 
the court of bankruptcy — (reading) — "To all 
to whom these presents shall come, greeting." 

Mrs. Dempsy. It's the worse present ever 
cam)e across your doorstep. If you set up as 
a magistrate, not a decent man will speak to 
you. 

Dempsy (proudly). Maybe I'll not want 
to speak to them. Jeremiah Dempsy, Jay Pee, 
won't be kicked by Judy Heffernan for an 

77 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

hour less than three months hard. {Looks 
again at the commission.) 

Mrs. Dempsy (doubtfully) . It might bring 
back the orders from the Cricket Club, but the 
Fife and Drum Band is muffled for ever. 

Dempsy. Do you think, Catherine, I really 
wish to wear this barren honour? (Holds up 
paper.) 

Dr. Bunbury. A barren honour, sir! 
Your words are treasonable to the State. 

Dempsy. The State's the people, Doctor. I 
will stick to them, in spite of your temptations. 

[Flanigan comes in. 

Flanigan. I call, Mrs. Dempsy, tO' express 
regret for the conduct of the crowd. I hope 
they did no harm. 

Mrs. Dempsy. No, Mr. Flanigan. They 
did my husband all the good in life. Their 
conduct shows him what public life is worth. 
But he loves the people still, and he's going to 
pay them back by further sacrifices in their 
welfare. (Whispers Dempsy.) 

Dr. Bunbury. The incident shows him 
which side it pays best to follow. 

Mrs. Dempsy (to Flanigan). Dr. Bun- 
bury brings him the Commission of the Peace. 

78 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

He's going to tear it up to redeem his honest 
character. Won't you, Jerry? 

Dempsy {thoughtfully) . That would be a 
reHnquishment indeed! A worthy ending to 
a hfe of sacrifice. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It would be the making of 
us all over again, and set up Mary Kate and 
Brian here for ever. 

Dempsy {to Flanigan). Mike Flanigan, 
you think yourself a general, and I a broken- 
soldier. I'll teach you how defeat may be 
turned into victory. 

McNamara. Bravo, Dempsy! Show us 
your forlorn hope. 

Mrs. Dempsy. Show them you don't want 
to sit among them, Jerry, on the bench. 

Dempsy. I'll show you all how I can rise 
superior to misfortune, till the very crowd ac- 
knowledge it. 

Dr. Bunbury. What fresh dodge is he 
attempting now? 

Dempsy. A dodge, Dr. Bunbury, that's en- 
tirely your own contriving, but one you'll not 
appreciate, because its honest and done above 
the counter in the eyes of everybody. {To 
O'Neill.) Open the window, Brian. I will 

79 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Speak again. The world will judge between 
me and my enemies. 

[O'Neill opens the windozv. Iron- 
ical cheers are heard outside. 
Mrs. Dempsy. In the name of glory, it's 
not another speech you're going to give them ! 
{She tries to pull him hack.) 

McNamara. His forlorn hope is flying 
round outside. 

Dempsy {to Mrs. Dempsy). One word 
more and I am done for ever. 

Mrs. Dempsy. It'll be one word more till 
the breath is out of you. 

Dempsy. No, this is positively my very 
last! 

[He goes to the window with the 

Commission in his hand. Groans^ 

cheers, and boos outside. 

A Voice. Jeremiah's turned his coat again ! 

Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, I humbly 

apologize that in the excitement of a moment 

ago I came before you inside out, as one may 

phrase it. 

A Voice. You done it to be made a Magis- 
trate! {Groans.) 

Dempsy. To that I answer for the benefit 
80 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

of all concerned, — Down with Magistrates! 
{Cheers outside.) 

A Voice. Oh you rogue! 

A Voice. No, he's right for once! {Cheers 
and laughter.) 

Dempsy. Down with Justices of the Peace! 
{Cheers again.) 

Down with Chief Secretaries! {Terrific 
cheers.) 

Dr. Bunbury. The Lord Chancellor shall 
hear of this. 

Dempsy. Down with Lord Chancellors and 
down with Dr. Bunbury, the greatest wire- 
puller of them all! {Uproar and cheers stUl 
louder. ) 

[Dr. Bunbury tries to pull hack 
Dempsy. McNamara restrains 
him. 

Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, through 
the instigation of this arch intriguer, this 
backstairs politician, this concocter of un- 
wholesome pills and self-destroying politics, 
the Government has tried to bribe me with its 
glittering honours. They have not succeeded. 
{A pause.) 

A Voice. It's himself says it! Don't be 
humbugging, Jerry! 

8i 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

Dempsy. Yes, it's myself says it, but you 
shall be my judges how I humbug you and how 
I immolate myself for love of you. (Cheers.) 

McNamara (to Bunbury). Not going to 
hang himself, I hope? 

Dempsy. A little while ago, impelled by 
patriotic fervour, you felt it was your duty to 
accost my person roughly. {Laughter from 
the crozvd.) Let you and those who stand be- 
hind me judge if you were in the right or in 
the wrong. Around me, at this moment, are 
assembled representatives of every rank and 
class in Cloghermore. Their presence is a 
testimony of the kindness which, notwith- 
standing all our difference of opinion, under- 
lies the Irish character. {Cheers zvithout.) 

Dr. Bunbury. This is a monstrous per- 
version. 

McNamara. It's the best thing he's ever 
done in his life. 

Dempsy. Ladies and gentlemen, in proof 
of my sincerity, I have here your worthy rep- 
resentative, Mr. Flanigan — {cheers) — the suc- 
cessful opponent on whom the mantle of my 
dignity has fallen. {Cheers. Mrs. Dempsy 
offers the dressing-gown to Flanigan^ who 
laughingly declines it.) I have also here be- 
82 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

neath my humble roof, Captain McNamara, 
my unsuccessful opponent — if so brave a war- 
rior will allow me to associate his name with 
aught but laurelled victories. (Cheers.) Over 
and above all, my old friend. Dr. Bunbury, in 
spite of what has passed between us, is present 
in this room; and each and all of these are 
here to show their confidence in me remains 
unshaken. 

A Voice (outside). Don't believe them, 
Jerry. (Boos and cheers outside.) 

[Dr. Bunbury tries to get at 
Dempsy^ but is held by Mc- 
Namara and O'Neill. 

Dempsy. Gentlemen, it is not in my nature 
to doubt the sincerity of others, and Dr. Bun- 
bury at the present moment has to be restrained 
by force from coming to this window to de- 
clare his faith in me unshaken. Here is the 
Commission of the Peace which he has brought 
me, and here is how I rend it. (He tears up 
the paper and Uings it to the crowd, who cheer 
frantically.) I will not take their bribes, I 
will not take their honours. In sight of this 
assembly I refuse to be a Magistrate at any 
earthly price. 

Dr. Bunbury. He's the greatest rascal 

83 



THE ELOQUENT DEM PS Y 

that I ever came across in either my private or 
professional capacity. 

Mrs. Dempsy. That's enough. For God's 
sake, shut the window. 

Dempsy. One word more, and I take fare- 
well of you for ever. The matter is a personal 
one, but as a family man I can't assume an 
indifference which is foreign to my nature. 
I ami parting with my business and my child. 
{He takes out his handkerchief.) In a few 
days you will see a new name on the sign- 
board. It will be a name familiar to you all, 
the name of Brian O'Neill, who'll be my 
daughter's husband, while the goods behind 
the counter will be of the same high quality as 
ever. {Cheers without.) 

A Voice. Don't leave us altogether, Jerry! 

A Voice. Sorrow one we'll have to cheer! 
{Louder cheers.) 

Dempsy. My friends, old age should be a 
time of peace, and in the sweet simplicity of 
country life, enlivened by experimental agri- 
culture, with my good wife at my side, per- 
haps a grandchild at my knee, I shall find that 
solace public life denied me in the roar and 
bustle of this busy town. {Loud cheers with- 
84 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

out. Dempsy bozvs. O'Neill closes the win- 
dow. ) I bid the world farewell. 

McNamara. Going to plough your lone 
furrow, Mr. Dempsy! 

Dempsy. My furrow will be ploughed in 
Irish earth. You'd better come and help me 
with it, Bunbury. (Dr. Bunbury goes out.) 

Mrs. Dempsy. God bless you, Jerry ! You 
have done at last! 

[She puts her hand on his shoulder. 

Flanigan. And done it well, Mrs. Dempsy. 
I congratulate you both. 

McNamara. I, too, congratulate you. The 
world has missed a statesman in you, 
Dempsy. 

Dempsy. As much, Captain, as a general 

in you. (They shake hands.) Take care of 

Dr. Bunbury, for the sake of his poor patients. 

[McNamara goes out. 

Mary Kate. Pa, I knew your enemies 
could never conquer you. 

Dempsy. Nobody but your mother can do 
that, my dear; and if only you take after her, 
Brian needn't care who votes against him. 

Mrs. Dempsy. I done it for your own sake, 
Jerry (caressing him). 

Dempsy. Ay, or the sake of right and jus- 

85 



THE ELOQUENT DEMPSY 

tice, Catherine {caressing her). And, if you'll 
allow me just a few brief observations — 
(oratoricaUy) — I'll be able tO' convince you — 
Mrs. Dempsy (interrupting zmth a ges- 
ture). Oh, I'm convinced enough already. 
Your eloquence is ended. 

[Dempsy bozvs profoundly io her. 

Curtain. 



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LIBRPRY OF CONGRESS 

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